Saturday, July 21, 2012

Very long post!

Hello world!  It's been so long.  But I'm still here, and still happy.

So it turns out that 6 months can bring about a boatload of unexpected changes.  We didn't expect hubs to lose his job (the one we moved for) after just two months.  We didn't expect he would end up working on a concrete crew either.  But I think the biggest thing I have had to deal with is Hubs joining the Air Force Reserve.

When my cousin's husband joined the Air Force, I thought they were down-right crazy.  I didn't even understand HOW someone could A) send their husband off to basic and tech school for 6 months and B) know that they would face extended time alone again for deployment.  Then our friend joined the Air Force and left when his new baby was just a couple months old.  I didn't know how his wife would EVER cope and I felt so bad for her.  I was so glad that was something I would never have to do.  My husband has glasses, so I knew he'd never fly, and he wasn't an engineer either.  Safe and sound, together on the ground.

NOPE!  After my husband lost his job and was unable to find steady work for so long, we started realizing we were in a tight spot and were never going to be able to face his student debt, to say nothing of one day getting to grad school.  The stress of wondering where the money was going to be coming from really started to wear Hubs down, and he decided that if he was going to get the education he wanted then he better figure out a way to pay for it SOON.  Enter the Air Force.

At first I didn't think he was serious, just putting out feelers.  He did some research, talked to a recruiter, talked to his friend a bit, and told me he was really thinking about it.  He decided the Reserve was the way to go for him, and I had a really hard time accepting it.  Yes, we would have insurance for the first time in our married lives.  Yes, they would pay for school.  Yes, the signing bonus would help us pay off our debt.  Yes, we would still be in Utah because Reservists are expected to keep their full time jobs and only work one weekend a month.  No, there was very little chance of him getting deployed.  But he still had to go to basic and tech school and would be gone 8 months.

One morning I was laying in bed, listening to Muffin starting to stir, and I just started crying.  How was I supposed to do this on my own?  Who would I tag-team with on hard days?  Who would wash the pans for me when my back was just too sore?  Who would hold my hand while I watched TV?  Would I ever cook or do laundry if he didn't come home hungry?  What would be the point of going home be if no one cared that I was there?  I had prayed he wouldn't pass the physical, but they gave him a waiver for his weight(hubs is built like an Ecuadorian see, not very big).  I hoped he wouldn't do well on the ASVAB, but he got in the 92nd percentile.  Maybe, just maybe, there wouldn't be a position open at our base.  There was.  Everything was working out so perfectly that I couldn't deny that this was what we were supposed to be doing.  But how could I?  I was whining and crying to my Heavenly Father and feeling quite broken-hearted when a hymn came into my head.  I've often sung to comfort myself, but this song came on it's own: first the soothing melody, and then the strengthening words.

Fear not, I am with thee oh be not dismayed.  
I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

I couldn't remember all the words, or which order they went in, but these words were in my head all day "Fear not, I am with thee.  As thy days may demand so they succor shall be."  Does Heavenly Father know me and what I need?  I think so.  Was he listening to me that morning?  Yes, I do believe he was.

I wrote the words on my mirror and started saying them to myself whenever I got anxious.  We decided it would be a good idea for me to go back to school while Hubs was gone so I would have something to keep me occupied.  Miraculously(though I didn't know it at the time) I was able to get an apartment near school much bigger than I needed, for much less rent.  My sisters are also going to the same school, and my dad suggested that they come live with me so I wouldn't be so lonely.  Since I had a big apartment that worked out great all the way around.  I was starting to feel like I could do this.

Less than two months before Hubs left for basic training, we found out I was pregnant.  We had been trying for soo long without ANY success that I had just figured that we'd start worrying about it and figuring out the problem when he got home from basic.  I didn't know whether to cheer or cry.  I quickly did some math and figured he would leave right after I started throwing up, and get home a few weeks after my due date.  He would miss the whole pregnancy.  The heartbeats, the ultrasounds, the kicks and punches, the weird cravings, all of it.  I was heartbroken. Again.  But, my sisters would be there to help when I wasn't feeling great and to be the support system I would so desperately need.  Lucky I had an apartment big enough for them to live with me.

When the morning sickness hit I was so sick I was flat on the couch.  I had a really hard time just getting Muffin out of bed and fed.  My mom suggested I call the OB where I was (a new one, since we had moved for Hub's job) and see if I could get some medicine for the nausea.  I did, and that was fine, but that wasn't the tender mercy part of the story.

Since I was a new patient, they would give me the medicine but I had to come into the office for an appointment.  That was fine, as I was eager to hear Squeaky's little heart beating and confirm my due date.  At the end of the appointment the Dr said "well, lets see you again in a month and do an ultrasound.  We can work out a day your husband can come."  Poor doctor.  Who would choose to deal with hormonal women all day every day?  Well anyway, I started to cry.  I told him that my husband was leaving for basic training in a couple weeks and would be gone the whole pregnancy.  Much to my surprise, the Dr. slapped his hand down and said "Ya know, my first baby was born while I was at Basic too, and it's no fun at all.  We're doing an ultrasound today so Dad can have a picture at least!"  It made all the difference in the world to have him say that.  Just to have someone else that had experienced the same thing and could do something to make it a little easier.  The Lord surely watches out for us.

So, here I am in my big new apartment.  There are no cockroaches.  I have Muffin here with me, fast asleep, and I have Squeaky, not much more than a bean with a heartbeat.  And I know it will be hard.  I know I will cry a few more times in this coming week and at the airport.  But I also know that I will be ok.  I know it because Heavenly Father hasn't left me here alone.  He has been with me every step of this journey.  So I will write letters for eight months, and take pictures every day.  I will wear my f16 on my backpack to school.  I will be an AirForce widow for just a little while, and I will love my Airman.